Matters of the heart

“I never ever will speak to you again”!! All my closest friends, family everyone has heard this line atleast a thousand times from me.. But within 2 or 3 hours, I am back to my chirpy self, as if nothing ever happened. That’s me…. I am not a very short tempered person, I have my share of irritations, but nothing that leads to a fight. Actually being phobic to shouting, I rather become very silent when angry. End up listening to music, read a book or write a blog… ;)
But there have been quite some times when I swear to myself, that this time, X Person has crossed their limits and there is no way, I am gonna accept them without an apology and a sound lesson. But then after a while, there is this whole, barrage of questions that is thrown at me (by my dear old conscience) starting from, is this right, am I being fair to do you think, they would be hurt!! Then I start remembering the good times, I had with them… The fun times, the laughter times…. And then starts the cross questioning…. Whether all this silence is worth, the times we spent together.. Whether it is a balance… This weighing, finally leads to a conclusion that “All’s well that ends well”!! There goes my anger down the drain!! I don’t remember holding a fight for more than half a day! Hmmm!! Hard!
This I think of actually as a strength… I don’t want to lose the people I love to such tiny fights, I don’t want a scratch in my heart, because of a couple of heated words… What I would rather have is, someday down the line, when our vision gets blurred, we have silver hair and life would seem like an autumn time, I would not like to regret, having not saved a relation!!

Micchami Dukkadam

Micchami Dukkadam, a term, which when said with folded hands, and a sincere faith in heart can move even the mountains. It is the earnest effort to pay for our sins, right here, to keep the big fat burden of ego aside and to reach every individual known and ask for forgiveness for deeds, knowingly or unknowingly done. The deed of forgiveness, crossess all the noblest and virtuest of deeds. In the very famous Shakespearen play "The Merchant of Venice", Portia says that blessed are the ones who forgive and because of th nobility of their deed, blessed also are the ones who are forgiven.

In our fast & frenzied life, we completely overlook the emotional factor, between our 9-9 jobs, there is no time, to take a note of such trivial things. And in this process, we do not realise the big and strong wall of hatred that we build in our hearts. Gone are the days, when a simple flower and a tiny sorry, could heal hearts. Now there is no effort, and people dont care anymore..

So to all my friends, family and loved ones, if I have ever hurt you, knowingly or unknowingly, crushed your emotion for my selfish needs, overlooked your smile for my own! "Micchami Dukkadam"...

Drawing the Line

It is somehow so important to know your boundaries right. To know, when to say, stop right here!! It is just so important to realise that there is a circle beyond which it is just you and your conscience, no one can tread that space.. Its private beyond the definition of the word.. And when people start encroaching those areas, that when relationships start to sour. Thats when insecurity, jealousy, possesiveness starts spreading their hoods. Its hard, to be helpless, to see someone you love go through agonised times, but the key is to remember that you cant suffer their pain for them. You may feel the pain, understand it, sympathise, but cant take their place. Each man has his own struggle to be the fittest, and am a strong believer of the fact, that for every door closed, a door to happiness opens somewhere else. It is foolish to cry over the closed door, yet the path to reach the new door, may have its own share of turbulences. It is easy to get washed away in these turbulent and unruly waves. But life teaches each man, their own lessons. To make mistakes are good, but to learn from one's own mistakes are the best. Let people face their problems, be the tree which gives shadow, on a hot sunny day, to a traveller. Dont try to cloud the sun, its a part of someone's destiny!!

The Big Fight

There is always this scene in hindi movies where the alter ego, a mirror image comes and fights with the actor talking about the pros and cons of a situation.. Setting the characted on the right path. Today I was in a similar situation. I hurt someone very close to me today. Someone whom i really care a lot about. This person is in a state already, due to some personal turmoil, I have always been supportive and understanding, ignoring all those minor tiffs and plausible arguments. But today I lost my cool. Today, the state of mind I was in, I expected my friend to walk across the rope to lend me a hand, very well ,knowing that it wasnt even fair to do so.

I am now feeling so guilty, that I cant even sleep. I apologised and was instantly forgiven. But a sinned heart, knows its wound. I always felt, the worst punishment ever is guilt. A guilty heart makes a person repent so much, that it is as if suffering through one's mistake every single second. Right now, somewhere my friend, must be peacefully asleep, yet here I am penning down my thoughts, a last respite to over come a grave mistake.The person I hurt is someone who means a lot to me, who has stood by me, in the tiniest of situations... Gosh!! How could I do this. I am known to be a very patient person ,a typical think before u talk, but my anguish broke its dam and burnt away all traces of understanding, love and friendship! But now as the lava of guilt is settling, all i can see is the greyness of my friend's beautiful heart...

M sorry!! I really am.... :(

Growing up wid life...

I was a very timid and shy person in my childhood.. Would think hundred times, even before asking a glass of water... And staying in a joint family, just aggrevated my shyness.. I was closest to my naani... I used to ask her, what does growing up mean.. And she used to say, it means, accepting what life throws at your path, and being ready to face anything with a smile.. When I would ask her, how to get ready for obstacles and difficulties, she would simply smile and say, life is such a beautiful teacher, it will help you come out and face any situation you land up in. The trick is to, be aware of its teachings... Whenever I would get depressed, my naani's words were my boat of solace. Her wisdom, was my courage.. And now is when I actually understood her advise... Santosh fell sick terribly, and I had to admit him.. I was all alone, didnt know what to do.. I went alone to the doctor, and the ground beneath me slipped away when she said that I had to admit him... I am totally phobic to hospitals.. Never even visited people when they got admitted... And here I had to do a very difficult job. I called up a friend of mine, in panic, and he said, just keep calm, train your mind, you are strong, close your eyes and think about this man you love.. And thats it, there went all my fears flying away, I went home, packed his stuff... Admitted him... It was simple.. Even when he left for Mumbai to take rest, everyone in my family knew, that staying alone was like a punishment to me.. But i insisted on staying alone, so I get to know my ownself.. After all, every one claimed to know me, from my husband, to my family, to my best friends.. But I didnt know myself.. After this three week ordeal, I really can claim to be best friends with my self... life did throw answers at me, and I caught them...

Life does decide to teach u, nudge you and say "Kid! Grow up!! :)

Arz Hai!!

scorching the earth away, the sun at a pinnacle,
I prayed and prayed in my heart for a miracle,
Send us Oh Lord, a drop from your faucet,
The earth here wants to glow again like a scarlet

Tears glistening in my eyes, and a prayer in my heart,
I awaited away for a long lost gift,
For the mistake of one may all not be punished,
Oh Lord, may your mercy not be diminished,

There it came, on a hot burning day,
A drop from the heaven, fell on the thirsty earth,
The winds started blowing spreading happiness on their way,
It seemed as if life had taken a rebirth

Down came the pour with a heaving sigh,
It was indeed a miracle, as the sun bid goodbye,
Dancing in the winds I made a gentle bow,
And he smiled upon us, with a beautiful rainbow

Train to nowhere

I have been totally restless today. I earlier thought, maybe its just a bout of excitement, but later realised, excitement would lead in some direction, I would need a spark, but nah, m just restless. This has started happening often to me these days. I am unable to concentrate and take a slow and steady move. The tsunami of emotions in my heart is just so overwhelming, that dissecting it into a certain genre is proving to be a mammoth task. So I set upon doing the one thing that slows me and sends me back to the raging reality of life, that is, blogging! My mind today, just doesnt want to slow down. I realised this early in the morning when I sat in front of my altar to say good morning , to my lord, and loh behold, I was streaming through a live video of thoughts. From a friend's anguish to argentina's football game, everything flashed. It felt like one of those tests, from Engineering, where u are shown a string of photos and asked to write an essay... :P

Human mind is the most mysterious creation of the lord, it is fast,it is crazy, and it is utterly unpredictable. There is just no chance, one would be able to decipher, what the next move would be. Sometimes, I feel m scared to be alone, coz of my train of thoughts. The mere speed scares me. I wanna slow down , mellow down and say, enough! Stop thinking for a while. I want to close my eyes and stare at a blank screen!!! My doc says, m over charged at the moment and need to take a vacation, at that moment, all I could remember was "makemytrip.com"... sad, but thats the way it is...

My brain starts playing songs when I am in the conference room, I cannot signoff from office while at home, and start feeling guilty, about my indifference at home in the office...This is getting all very hyper and serious now. I really want to signoff at all instances and take some time off... But dunno from what... Is it work, is it home, is it people, or is it just plain good old me!! A question that I need to answer for myself...

All this scared me, when i took up a book for reading, and i kept it back without being able to concentrate. This is possibly the worst experience for a book worm. To be away from books!!! Huh!! I feel so good, after penning my condition. Sometimes, I feel, nothing is more closer to me, than the alphabet series of English.. I cannot speak about my issues, as well pen them down, and get relaxed!!! :)